Larf and squit (humour to those who've not yet learnt the local lingo)

The Chaos 

If your accent is broad Norfolk, like mine, you might have trouble reading this aloud:

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?

Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?

It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

The Chaos, by Gerard Nolst Trenité, 1922 - designed to demonstrate the irregularity of English spelling and pronunciation.

The importance of punctuation

Let’s eat grandma!
Let’s eat, grandma!

Some people find inspiration in cooking their families and their dogs.
Some people find inspiration in cooking, their families, and their dogs.

An English teacher wrote the following words on the board

and asked the pupils to punctuate it correctly:
 
“a woman without her man is nothing”

The males wrote:
“a woman, without her man, is nothing”

The females wrote:
“a woman: without her, man is nothing”


The butler stood by the door & called the guests’ names.
The butler stood by the door & called the guests names.

      

Hang him, not let him free.
Hang him not, let him free.

And finally: 
If you don't think punctuation is important, try forgetting the comma when you say,
"I'm sorry, I love you."



Prize donkey

Sid was travelling down Yarmouth Road when he saw a crowd of people gathering outside a farmhouse.It was a cold November afternoon, so he stopped and asked the Farmer why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.The farmer replied, 'Joe's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.

''Well", replied the man, "She must have had a lot of friends."'

'Nope," said the Farmer. "We all just want to buy his donkey."

Strawberries

Evans was driving his John Deere tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertiliser.  Tim a little boy of eight was playing in his yard when he saw the farmer and asked, "What you got in your trailer?'

"Manure," Evans replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked Tim.

"Put it on my strawberries," answered the farmer.

Tim replied, "You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our strawberries."

Farmyard crackers

Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears! 

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
Because he was out standing in his field! 

What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?
A transfarmer. 

What day do potatoes hate the most?
Fry-day! 

What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog! 

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field! 

What do farmers use to make crop circles?
A protractor. 

What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?
Strawberries! 

If a cow laughed really hard.... would milk come out of her nose? 

Why did the cow jump over the moon?
The farmer had cold hands. 

What kind of pigs know karate?
Pork chops! 

Who tells chicken jokes?
Comedihens! 

What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?
Udder nonsense! 

Farmers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, turn-ip the covers, en-dive into bed! 

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll! 

What type of hosses only go out at night?
Nightmares! 

What is a hosse's favorite sport? 
Stable tennis! 

Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick?
The farmacist (pharmacist). 

Why did the lamb call the police?
He had been fleeced. 

How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down. 

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock. 

What do you give a sick horse?
Cough stirrup! 

What do you call a pig thief?
A hamburglar! 

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer. 

Thought of the day

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Grim Reaper

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.                   
                     
Talk about Dyson with death.             
                     

Grave humour

 I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3  hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!               
                     

Pet

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.     

 

Cash machine

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

Job change

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. 

Car needs help?

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown. 

Dwarfs

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.       
                    

Good neighbours

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.   

   
Missing

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop 
to get all her clothes back.   

 

That time

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."   

               

Police hunt

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.     

 

Salad

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!   

 

Working bears

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. 

The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the
teddy bears have their pick nicked."